


YAOSIF

by Avigor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avigor/pseuds/Avigor
Summary: Yet Another Obligatory Self-Insert Fic, wherein I get only half a day and zero chance at any action.
Kudos: 13





	YAOSIF

**Author's Note:**

> Mentioned this idea in Reddit and someone dug out an old defunct account to beg me to write this, so here it is. Most italics are thoughts (albeit a few individual words are emphasis).

_ Damn, that hurt! _

Everything was dark, except for a pinprick of light in the distance.

_ Okay, either I’m getting a hallucination in line with what I’ve seen online about NDE’s or there actually is something to them... whelp, nothing for it. _

I pushed into the light... and my face broke the surface of the lake. There was applause in the distance, and a platform near the shore. I was out in the middle, a good distance away.

_ WHAT?! _ My eyes were wide with shock.

“It’s okay, you’re alright, I’m taking you to your sister,” I heard a voice say in a half-panicked attempt at a soothing tone.

My head turned, and my jaw dropped; this was a bad idea given that I was treading water, so I had to splutter a bit before I could properly digest who this was.

Black hair. Green eyes. Scar on his forehead. Redheaded boy on the other side of him.

“Harry?” I gasped as I heard my voice being much more high-pitched and feminine then usual.

Harry looked pained as he responded, “yes, that’s me, Harry Potter. Come on, let’s get you to shore, it’s cold out here.”

It was at this moment I sensed something; I couldn’t think of a better way to describe this weird knowledge. I somehow  _ knew _ I was only here until I fell asleep, then I’d be moving on and Gabrielle would be back. I wanted to cry,  _ this just wasn’t fair! Even being gender-bent and stuck in a girl a half-decade behind Harry and his friends, I so wanted to be able to actually live a lifetime here! _

I also realized I was plugged into the parts of Gabrielle’s native brain that governed fine motor control and speech, albeit also with my own language centers complimenting hers to allow me to speak in English; lucky me, that at least made this easier. I wondered what, if anything she would remember... Shaking my head, I focused.

_ Okay, so I need to make the best of my available time... better get the important stuff out of the way so I can satisfy my curiosities later.  _

“Harry, we need to talk! I don’t have time! I know about Padfoot and Riddle and I want to help!”

Harry and Ron both floundered for a moment, staring in clear shock.

“I swear I’m a friend! When we get to shore, get Hermione, try and see if Snuffles is around and if you can get him then do so, I’ll talk to Dumbledore. Do not say anything about what is going on, Hermione’s been bugged but we’ll take care of that in Dumble’s office. Come on we don’t have all day, or at least I don’t,” the last coming out as a whine. I proceeded to swim as best I could, my own barely-remembered swimming lessons being a bit rusty, and Gabrielle having apparently never learned. 

The boys quickly caught up, looking askance at me repeatedly as they tried to figure me out. Meanwhile, I was looking at the platform and shore and taking stock of who was there, and who was on the beach. 

_ Oh thank goodness, fake Moody’s not too close. That should make this easier. _

Soon, we were on shore, and I found myself grabbed by a gorgeous teen with a towel. 

_ Dangnamit, I don’t have time for this!  _

I growled and poked as I wrestled for freedom, much to Fleur’s obvious amusement. As soon as I could wriggle free from my giggling sister, I was swept up by Madam Pomfrey, who quickly showed me how futile escaping her was. I couldn’t help but giggle after she scolded me for trying to run off on her, making her smile as she fed me a pepper-up and swathed me in a blanket. A moment later, however, I was surrounded by the Trio.

_ Holy cow, why haven’t I seen people describing Hermione as latina before? _

“What is going on?” Hermione asked. 

“Um, I need to talk to Dumbledore,” I said. Hermione’s eyes widened, and I quickly realized why. 

_ My American accent is showing. Now I need to head her off- _

“Why do you have an American accent?” Hermione asked, Ron and Harry’s eyes widening as they realized what they’d overlooked. Luckily, Fleur, Krum, Cedric, Cho, and Pomfrey were far enough away that they couldn’t overhear so long as we were quiet and the crowd kept up the random chatter outside.

“I’ll explain shortly. It’s important that nobody overhear, we’re not safe here. I need to talk to Dumbledore, he’ll take us to his office, I’m sure of it.”

The boys just looked confused, while Hermione was more wary.

“I can guarantee this is not what you’re thinking, it’s a lot more complicated,” I said while looking around and seeing my sister heading towards me again, “Harry, would you please run distraction on Fleur while I sneak out?”

“How are you-” Hermione started, while Harry went over to Fleur and allowed her to grab him to gush over how he’d saved me. I promptly rushed to the side of the medical tent, lifted the bottom, and rolled out. I thought I heard laughter, which I suspected to be Ron’s, before I ran over to the Judge’s Pavilion, noting a shiver.  _ Yes I’m still cold but I’ll live... or at least Gabrielle will. _

“Ah, we were just discussing your rescue, young lady. How may I help you?” I was asked by a man that could only be Bagman as I approached.

“I have a question for Dumbledore, sir. May I speak with him?”

“You know English? Huh, I could’ve sworn you didn’t. One moment, let me ask him.”

I fidgeted and shivered while Bagman went over to Dumbledore and gestured towards me while speaking quietly. Dumbledore frowned before getting up and walking over. Deciding to trust him while doing my best at Occlumency (that is, focusing on mindfulness as hard as I could in hope that all he’d get was whether I was lying or what my intent was), I looked him in the eye.

“Dumbledore, we need to talk. You, me, Harry and his friends, and if Snuffles can join us all the better. Harry is not Ariana, you can’t protect him from the Prophecy. He already has no childhood, the Dursleys saw to that, sneak a peek at him if you don’t believe me. I know how Riddle’s still alive, I’ll only tell you if Harry and his friends are there, because they deserve to know. I only have today before I forget everything so please don’t argue, I can wait till the judging is done but then we need to get to your office.”

Dumbledore’s face had gone very still at the mention of Ariana, his eyes had widened slightly at my Dursley comment, and his brow furrowed when I spoke of Riddle. Almost the entire time I had felt a tickle of sorts in the back of my head. Eyes narrowed but in a thoughtful instead of suspicious way, Dumbledore nodded. 

“I will send for Snuffles to join us in my office after the judging. In the meantime, please return to the medical tent, I believe your sister and Madam Pomfrey will be annoyed at you for running out.”

With a relieved sigh, I ran back in through the proper entrance, grimacing as Fleur grabbed me in a near-panic and wrapped a blanket around me again. I quietly apologized for making her worry, glad that Gabrielle’s language centers were wired in so I could speak French like she could (my own French being almost dead and never having been better than barely translating Goblet of Fire’s subtitles from those rare scenes where they actually put French in the English subtitles). Fleur cried a bit, and I just shifted awkwardly and promised not to make her worry again... 

_ Damn, talk about instant regret, I’m going to be either running away again or dragging her into a frankly horrifying discussion within less than an hour; this is not going to get easier is it? She’s probably not going to let me escape again after that...  _

The judging seemed to take forever but was probably less than fifteen minutes; the whole time, Hermione was watching me like a hawk, Krum just looked sad, the boys looked confused, and the lovers were distracted with each other.

_ Cedric is going to live if I have anything to say about it, _ I swore to myself as I saw the way they were fawning all over each other. I was tempted to try and mouth a message to Hermione, but it didn’t seem safe.

Soon enough, we were called out and listened to the point distribution, which I wasn’t paying much attention to. I looked around, sad that I couldn’t see Padfoot anywhere, hoping that he was in Dumbledore’s office. Once it was over, Dumbledore approached the Trio and said a few words with a gesture towards the castle before walking over to my sister and I.

“Mademoiselles Delacour-”

“You stay away from my sister!” Fleur growled. I sighed at the necessity of this, and hoped my judgement was sound.

“Please sister, I need to speak with him!” I said in French, grabbing at her hand.

“What? Why?” Fleur asked, looking very worried as she knelt down in front of me. 

“If you swear to be careful with secrets that are not yours to tell, you can come and find out,” I said, looking at Dumbledore and switching to English to say, “I trust her and so should you.”

Dumbledore nodded with a thoughtful frown as I started half-dragging Fleur towards the castle. At some point on the way, Snape joined us. I made a point of not looking him in the eye, just in case, and focused on mindfulness as much as I could while following Dumbledore through the castle and adamantly refusing to answer anyone’s questions beyond, “in the office.”

Soon, we were in Dumbledore’s office, which magically had plenty of chairs, with two set slightly apart to one side of Dumble’s desk while the rest were spread out, mostly in front but with two behind. I promptly went to one of the two on one side on their own (with glasses of water, thankfully), followed by a confused and concerned Fleur who frowned when she saw that there was one more chair then there should be... and a dog sitting in front of it.

“Hey Snuffles! Oh wow you’re a cute dog!” I giggled as I sat.

“What is the meaning of this, Headmaster?” Snape demanded.

“Sit your half-blood prince doe-patronus butt down and let me tell you all what’s going on,” I said while studiously looking at Dumbledore, not Snape. Albus froze for a moment before chuckling, eyes twinkling as he cut off Snape’s apoplexy and gestured at the chair, which he promptly took, while still trying to catch my eye. I looked down after noting the Trio’s confusion, and that Hermione seemed a lot more thoughtful in response to that nugget.

“So first let’s tackle the Grimm in the room. Fleur’s the only one who doesn’t know. Peter Pettigrew did not die a decade and more ago, he faked his death and framed Sirius Black. Last year this was revealed, but the British minister refused to listen to the facts. That said, before I get to the next bit or forget, Dumbledore would you please cast a spell to detect any small insect animagi? Is my guess that Hominem Revelio would do the trick right?” The last two sentences were said with direct eye contact with Dumbledore.

Hermione frowned while Dumbles smiled, nodded, and cast something silently, causing something in Hermione’s hair to glow. It also made a glow in the chest of every human present, plus Padfoot.

“There she is! Get Skeeter!” I shouted as the beetle started trying to fly away... only to get Stupified by Snape. 

Hermione was staring in mute horror as I crowed, “now  _ that _ ’s how you bug someone in the magical world!”

Harry was the only one to snicker. Oh well, can’t get everything!

Fleur, meanwhile, was staring at Snuffles in growing concern, and Snape was walking over to the fallen beetle with a small cage of some sort. 

“Fleur, please, calm down. He is not a threat, he is Harry’s godfather. His only crime was running away from wrongful imprisonment, and maybe a decade ago letting his temper get away with him. Please, trust me. Sirius Black is not dangerous.”   
  


Fleur looked at me, gulped, and nodded.

Sirius then returned to his human form, hugged Harry and sat down. Fleur relaxed a bit more after she saw that he plainly was not psychopathically trying to kill him. 

“Okay, I think I’ll go over what I know before how I know. Let’s start with the Prophecy, you or me Dumbles?” I asked, looking him in the eye.

He froze, frowned, and looked over at Harry. I could almost hear the legilimency as he gasped, a tear rolling down his cheek.  _ Seriously, he had never looked? _

“Willful ignorance, I’m guessing?” I said softly. 

Dumbledore nodded before responding, “please do the honors.”

“The one with the power to defeat the dark lord approaches. Born to those who thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. The dark lord shall mark him as his equal, and he shall have power the dark lord knows not. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives. The one with the power to defeat the dark lord will be born as the seventh month dies.”

Harry, Hermione, and Sirius were the most struck, but the others were not far behind.

“Might’ve gotten a word wrong here or there because I’m working off memory, but that’s the gist of it at least. Moldyshorts learned the first couple sentences, and of course freaked out when he realized there was a half-blood being born in time for the Prophecy, hence your parents going into hiding. That prophecy’s meaning might be debatable as far as technicalities go, such as whether or not another can act in your stead as your ‘right hand man’ so to speak or if you only need to deal the final blow, but either way yeah I’m sorry you will need to help Tommy Boy shuffle off this mortal coil.”

I took a drink, cleared my throat, and continued.

“This next big part involves what would have resulted in Dumbledore’s death if I wasn’t getting this chance to tell you everything early. Voldemort planned on creating Horcruxes, or soul containers-”

“I think we should be more careful with this,” Dumbledore interrupted, looking at Fleur nervously.

“Fleur, do you swear you will never speak of this with anyone outside of this room?” I asked.

Fleur looked quite confused, but agreed. I nodded.

“Hermione, do you know anything about Dungeons and Dragons? Particularly the Lich?”

Hermione frowned, but nodded, “it’s a kind of undead spellcaster whose soul is kept in an object called a phylactery. If its body is destroyed but the phylactery remains, a new body forms near the phylatercy within a matter of days,” her face going pale as she realized what I was saying.

“In this case, a Horcrux won’t create a new body in and of itself, but it will keep the soul from moving on, anchoring it into a sort of wraith, which is what Harry saw leave Quirrel three years ago. All I know of the creation process is it involves murder, tearing a chunk of soul off, some sort of ritual to prepare the vessel, and I’ve heard tell that supposedly whatever that ritual is can make an average person nauseous just by describing it. I won’t share speculation on this front. The dork lord felt ambitious and decided to create more than one, particularly a set of six to make a total of a seven-part soul, which has led to speculation as to whether he was able to regulate how much of his soul got carved off each time or if he’s been divided in half that many times, but I digress. Either way, he didn’t take the instability resulting from his recklessness into proper consideration, which as the accidental vessel was not properly prepared I suspect is not quite the same as the diary was but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything to worry about.” 

I paused to take another drink, noting that Dumbledore looked positively ashen as he looked at Harry. Hermione also looked struck.

“What research have you done? More importantly, who have you consulted, Dumbledore? Harry needs more options than an AK to the face to get rid of that Scarcrux of his.”

There were gasps all around, tears from Hermione, outrage from Sirius and Ron, and horror from Harry, Fleur, and Snape.

“I have read everything I could find, I wish there was a better option…”

“Like hell there isn’t!” Sirius roared.

“Who have you consulted, Dumbledore? Don’t even try to tell me that nobody in the world has made a career of studying spirits or soul magic or conducting exorcisms, even if they don’t follow your magical traditions there’s someone out there. Who have you consulted?” I drilled again.

Dumbledore looked like he was about to cry, and when he didn’t answer I jumped over and slapped him.

_ You could hear a pin drop. _

“Get your overly lemon-drop puckered head out of your wrinkly ass and start trusting people before you prove yourself nothing but a hopeless goat fucking senile geezer!” I ignored Hermione’s indignant squawk. “Do you really think that Ariana would approve of you buying into your own legend? This is a field you are not the foremost expert in, and I highly doubt the greatest master on the entire planet is even in Europe! Your new mission this summer is to go find them, preferably the top five or ten or something, and have them examine Harry directly. You got that?”

Dumbledore looked positively bashful, Hermione outraged, Harry and Ron confused, Fleur horrified, Sirius looking at me with something akin to worship, and Snape was covering his mouth in a suspicious way. Finally, Dumbledore nodded. I returned to my chair and took another drink.

“One of them is here in the castle. Seventh floor corridor, the Room of Requirement. Walk back and forth past the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy while thinking of something you need and a door will appear containing whatever it is you need. Honestly I don’t know what the limits are, if any, so asking it for something that can remove a Horcrux might be a good idea as a test. That said, in the Room of Hidden Things, as it’s been titled over the ages, which might as well also be called the Hogwarts Lost and Found, is the corrupted Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, within a minute or two walk from the door, albeit I’m not sure exactly where so that will require a search; I believe there is a bust near it but I can’t guarantee that. I’d advise against putting it on without extracting the soul piece or destroying it first, albeit I don’t know what it would do and can only speculate. It didn’t seem to have any negative effects when directly touched, however. Next up, there’s the Locket of Salazar Slytherin, which is in the old Black house on Grimmauld Place. Sirius you should tell Kreacher that you want to help him complete Master Regulus’ last order and not only will he produce the Horcrux but he’ll be eternally grateful. Yes, your brother betrayed ol’ Snakeface as his final act on this earth. Technically wearing the locket is not lethal, but it will wear on you and make you paranoid and aggressive. Either way, make sure you have something capable of destroying it if you open it, which will require parseltongue.”

I took another drink before continuing, noting Sirius’ dumbfounded expression.

“The trickiest one will be the Cup of Helga Hufflepuff; if there’s a way for the Head of House Black to somehow lay claim on the Lestrange vaults because of Bellatrix, please use it, even if you have to kill the her brother in law, husband, and the bitch herself in that order to do it. Another option is if there’s something in the treaties or Gringotts policy that might help, such as permanent residency of human souls being forbidden or a restriction against the storage of Horcruxes, which odds are they know about as I would not be surprised if they’ve encountered a few in Egyptian tombs and so they might have a rule about them, in which case bringing the situation to the attention of Gringotts might work. Otherwise, breaking into Gringotts is a hassle and a half so good luck. Moving along, we next have the snake Nagini, possibly some sort of cursed former human, kept in the direct company of his snakiness himself and yeah her bite is worse than her bark, like almost guaranteed to be lethal worse. I kept the last one back because, frankly, this is the one that killed Dumbledore. The Gaunt Family Ring, which contains the Resurrection Stone. I’ll let you decide when and how to describe the Hallows to the others and what you might want to do about that. Either way, you were idiot enough to not only go alone, but then thought you could see Ariana again by putting the damn Horcrux on your finger, giving yourself a lethal wasting curse that took almost a year to do the job, and even then you opted for euthanasia in a bid to stop the Deathstick and simultaneously help Snape cement his supposed loyalty among the Death Eaters. Before I tell you where it is, I need your oath to bring backup when you go for it. I’m thinking Snape and Bill Weasley should do the trick. Deal?”

I took another drink while watching Dumbledore nod and waiting for him to verbally acknowledge his pledge to bring someone competent as backup. I also noted Hermione once again looking at me suspiciously.

“Most obvious place in the world, the Gaunt family shack, under a floorboard as I understand it. Note the cave off the coast where the orphanage took Riddle once upon a time now only has a decoy, it used to have the locket before Regulus plundered it, so don’t bother going there unless you’re intending to do some sort of disarmament run on the literally deadly traps.” 

“How do you know all this?” Hermione asked.

I glanced at Fleur and took her hand. “When I hit the surface of the lake, something happened. I’ve got until I sleep before I lose it all; not sure how I know this. Basically I’m channeling a dead or dying American muggle from the future of an alternate world that read a series of books describing Harry’s adventures in detail and was part of a fandom that included numerous fanfictions. No I will not answer personal questions such as who marries who, but I am hoping I can satisfy his curiosity by getting a chance to visit the Great Hall and have a few faces pointed out, like Harry’s roommates and a few of the girls. Guy loved his romantic fanfiction,” I giggled at the weird expression on Hermione’s face.

“Wait, so, you’re like a time traveller? Like a time-turner gone wrong?” Ron asked.

“Harry and Hermione might be familiar with the muggle tv show Quantum Leap, which would be closer. Either way, I somehow doubt that it was the future of this world given that it had a Harry Potter book series about Harry that started publishing in the ‘90’s. but in case it’s similar enough, let me warn you that there was a plague hitting the entire world when he kicked it. Started in late 2019, when a coronavirus leapt from bats to humans. I think a pangolin was believed to be involved somehow but either way yeah it was bad, still ongoing in 2021 and there were news articles of the daily death rate exceeding World War Two, albeit the death rate percentage was still on the low side, we just had an ungodly number of people catching it. Consensus as I understand it was it started in open-air, unregulated, and less then sanitary meat markets in China, but some conspiracy nuts insist it started in a lab, which if it did then they either didn’t know what they were doing because apparently the DNA looked just like a natural species to species leap, or else they were extremely lucky at covering their tracks. Dunno if you guys might be able to do anything but still there ya go.”

Hermione had gone pale while I took a drink before she squeaked out, “do you have any good news?” 

“As soon as you can, presuming they exist or still get founded on schedule within the next decade or so depending on the company, get stock in Microsoft, Apple Macintosh, Google, Valve software, and Amazon. You will make millions, guaranteed. Electronic Arts, AT&T, Samsung, Tesla Motors, and CD Projekt Red the game developers in Poland are also all good picks. For something more personal, the books ended with an epilogue set twenty years after your final year showing all three of you as happy family people waving to your kids as they boarded the Hogwarts Express, but I will not give more details on that because I don’t want anyone taking anything for granted or feeling pressured to some destined union. Oh and there was a variety of random stuff like the Cubs eventually won a world cup and various civil rights things like gay marriage becoming legal and the Americans electing an African-American into their presidency but I doubt that has much personal impact so yeah whatever.”

“Do you know about the Cannons?” Ron asked, fascinated by that last sentence.

“Sorry, I don’t remember there being anything about them in the epilogue and of course that life was as a muggle so yeah no Daily Prophets were available.”

Ron sighed with obvious disappointment, while Harry chuckled and even Hermione looked amused.

“So who is in control? Gabrielle, or this muggle?” Fleur asked, looking scared.

“Mostly the muggle, but Gabrielle’s brain is still involved and I know she’ll be fine in the morning either way. I’m not sure but she might even get an edge on her English out of the deal. Please believe me I don’t mean to hurt anyone,” I pleaded with Fleur.

Her lip trembled but she nodded, squeezing my hand.

“Do you know everything?” Snape asked quietly, eyes narrowed as he looked at me.

“Enough. I suppose I should trust you now, so here goes.” I looked him in the eye.

It felt weird, as he rifled through my memories. He was clearly disgusted with some of it, and impressed once or twice, but in the end he seemed more satisfied that I wasn’t lying then anything else.

“She, or rather he, is not lying, and yes, Gabrielle is still in there, albeit sleeping in the back. I imagine she’ll be rather confused come morning. His memories included where the dark lord is most likely in hiding and what the ritual he intends to create a new body is, as well as several inventive means of sabotaging the bones of the father component. I must admit, the idea of Squirrelmort is most amusing. Also, we will need to pay Alastor a visit, he got distracted and forgot to mention that Barty Crouch Jr. is alive and using polyjuice to impersonate the good professor who is currently imprisoned within his own trunk,” the last bit said with a smirk.

At this, I hung my head bashfully.  _ Yup, I’d gotten distracted. _

“Thank you, Severus. I would like to excuse everyone except for Severus and Sirius so that we can begin making plans. Please avoid attracting the attention of Professor Moody until we can investigate him. I believe it is approaching dinner-time, and our guest did express an interest in visiting the Great Hall to have some faces identified for him, which I believe would make for a good goal for the five of you for this evening.”

With that, we all got up and left. Luckily, we didn’t see Moody at all, and I soon got to see exactly what everyone looked like. My reactions were varied and I won’t go into detail here, but suffice to say that several fanfiction tropes were promptly subverted. Soon enough, after a single Hogwarts meal, I went back to the Beauxbatons carriage with Fleur, and I couldn’t resist. After getting ready for bed (I didn’t even try to peek, and I could tell that she noticed this and looked mildly impressed), I begged her to tell me everything she knew about the Veela, explaining the tropes from the more believable to the ludicrous. After she stopped laughing, she decided to have mercy and spoke to me at length about what was different for Veela; turns out, not as much as one might think, but then there were other things that were never mentioned in the canon, or even speculated in fanfiction. 

As I laid down, thanking her as I yawned, I couldn’t help but think,  _ not the worst way to go.  _ Blackness engulfed me, and another light at the end of the tunnel.

_ Oh bugger me, am I about to do this again in another universe? Please let this one be permanent! _

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking about doing another chapter in another world, this one super-powered and featuring a mind copier being placed on top of a summoning circle giving me a perfect window to hijack a mad science robot, stop a feud before it gets out of hand, and maybe even have a permanent life there... whaddaya think?


End file.
